No Matter What He is Still My Dad

Friday flipped my world upside down and since I cannot sleep and the season premiere of Grey's has not helped I figured I would write everything my heart feels.  So I sit here on the couch, 4:43 in the morning, with my favorite quilt and a box of tissues to write what my heart feels about my dad.

The truth is no matter what is he my dad.  I cannot and would not ever change that but March 3rd is the last time I spoke to my dad.  It was not a conversation you ever want to have with a parent or someone you love - he said he was done speaking to me and that he was cutting me out of his life.  He said some hurtful things to me, told me I was a disappointment to the family and I needed to do more to help. And that is the last time I spoke to him, I have a lot of regret I did not try harder to fix that but I cannot change that either. What I know is that my dad, the one I remember was a good dad but his disease won and killed our relationship. 

Could I have done more? yes 
Did it kill me to not talk to him? yes
Did I want him to get help? yes
Did I protect my kids from knowing alcoholism? yes and I would a million times over. 
Does my heart hurt because my dad is gone? HELL yes it is breaking into a million pieces because he was my dad and I loved him. 
No one can ever understand the emotional roller coaster I have been on with my dad, there are about 4 people in the world who can even begin to understand this journey and I would never wish this on anyone.  I had to make decisions that many questioned but they were and are what I thought were the right ones.

Dealing with an alcoholic father put me in the position of having to be the adult in the relationship instead of the child.  A role I may not have done well but at this point I cannot change anything and I have to be at peace with my dad passing.  I am at peace because I no longer have to worry about him and his health.  I no longer have to worry he would drive after drinking and hurt someone or himself.  I no longer worry if he will have to go back to jail because of the drinking.  I no longer have to worry that he would not find peace in his life, I hope he has it now.  I no longer wonder if I can fix my relationship with my dad, I cannot.

I have learned a lot from my dad, he ALWAYS made sure we got to our events, he was ALWAYS at our events.  I think I can remember only one game in all of my sports career he did not attend.  He was proud of his children, even if we did not hear it from him.  He taught me the pain I never want my children to feel.  He taught me that I could be stronger than I ever thought I could be.  He taught me that things may not always work out the way we want them but we deal with them and learn.

The dad I want to remember is the man that did not exist over the last 8 years or so.  He is the man who was at  my sporting events and was yelling about a bad call.  He is the man who took his daughter to the softball field when he umpired because her momma needed a break.  He is the man who people called Rainbow.  He is the man who planned a surprise birthday party for my mom because he cared, that was also when I got in a lot of trouble for sneaking drinks from the adults.  He is the man who travelled with me through Europe, he wasn't perfect at it but he went.  He is the man who took us on family vacations even if it was just us girls.  He is the man who taught me to golf and gave me a love for a game that will last a lifetime.  He is the man who helped me move at college more times than he cared too.  He is the man who was proud of his children and did not care what others thought.  He is the man who was not sick with a horrible disease he could not beat.  He is the man who I call my dad no matter what. 

Everyone says have no regrets, I have only one, that I could not tell me dad one last time that no matter what I love him.  I want him to know that I could not bring him into my children's lives because I love them and could not let them feel my daily pain nor could I explain to them what happened to the man who I knew as my dad.  My heart hurts, it aches but I am going to go forward, honor my dad the best I can and feel peace in the fact that he no longer has to fight his demons. 

Daddy, I love you, I always have and always will.  I cannot believe you are gone.  I hope you know how sorry I am that I did not reach out to fix our relationship.  I hope you know I knew that I should send you more pictures of the kids and cards but my stubborn headed mind won.  I hope you know that I love our family and I am truly doing the best I can to help out, even if you do not believe it is enough.  I am doing the best I can to keep my life balanced and everyone heading in the right direction.  I hope you know I appreciate everything you ever did for me.  I hope you know that the fact that you were there when I was going up means the world to me and is the example I am following for my kids.  I hope you have peace, real peace and that you know we love you.

I cannot change life, I believe in God's plan even when I do not understand it.  I can learn from the journey, try to do better and take in the lesson from God and go forward.  I can love my family more, I can be kinder to all I meet, I can honor my dad and do better.

I love you daddy, I thank you for the time together, good and bad and will miss you dearly.