Well two months after dad has passed and while we are moving forward things are still hard and I would give anything for one more conversation with him. I want to make sure I remember him, in the good days, and while I have had one dream in which he was in it startled me awake and never came back.
I had many moments of smiles while at Disney with my family, my dad loved just watching everything there. He was crazy enough to take us there with friends, 4 girls, just he and grandma, what was he thinking? He did that twice!
Mallory seems to ask me the most questions about my dad, she wants to know a lot of things. It pains me to answer some of them but I am glad she asks. I sure do wish they could have really known the real him.
Thanksgiving started out rough, I could not sleep, did not really think about why, I mean after all my kids were celebrating their 6th birthday that day so I should not have been in a bad mood. It hit me after I locked myself in the bathroom for a quick shower, I was missing my dad. I had not spent Thanksgiving with my dad in at least 8 years, but I usually talked to him on that day at least. I could no longer call him if I wanted to, that made me sad. But as sad I was we had birthdays to celebrate and many reasons to be thankful so I had my moment but cheered up to celebrate my babies and to reflect on my blessings. This was also my first ever Thanksgiving away from our big family and my mom, it was good but next year I want to be at home with all of those crazy people I love!
I was not really sure what to expect in this whole process. The first few weeks I kept busy by cleaning his place and just trying to figure out how to be a good mom and wife again. Then one month in my kids were sick and made sure I was focused on them, I ran away once to Nashville for the CMA's though, came back and we were off to California. I can definitely say things are getting easier in the whole process but juggling the "stuff" you need to do with what you want to do is hard.
I still want one day to curl up and hide, to really cry and think about the good times with my dad. To sit and talk to him. I have not been able to have that day alone yet. I cannot find a day to schedule off work when I do not need to be doing a million things at home or cleaning. Someone always needs to be somewhere, something has to be washed or bought for school or someone needs mommy. I will figure it out one day, I have to but for now I have to be with my family and do what they need.
I miss my dad, I know he is better now, I believe he is healed. I hear him laugh every once in a while and smile.
Until we can sit and talk dad, I love you, I miss you, I hope you forgive me and I will see you another day.
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