I am amazed and thankful

When I posted my blog a couple of days ago about my dad I wrote it so that one day my children will have an understanding of why I made my decision but I got so much more than that.  I am just amazed and very thankful for all of those who have reached out to me with kind and encouraging words, I am blessed to have your prayers.  They all mean so much to me and what I needed during this very difficult time.

There is no doubt in my mind that my father loves me, I just wish the dad I had could see reality and be an everyday part of our lives.  I will keep going from the support and love of others and because I hope that one day things may change.

Until then I have the support of the most wonderful blended family!  I say blended family because my family is so much more than my immediate family.  There are my parents, siblings, in-laws, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who are here and supporting me.  It doesn't matter if they are my family by blood or by our bond, to me they are all family and I could not imagine our little world of the Cool Chaos without them all.

I hope you all know who each and everyone of you are and who I am talking about, the ones who love us without question, will do anything for us, and are always there.  You are the ones who love me for who I am, good or bad.  Who are helping us raise this gaggle of children we have been blessed with in our lives.  You are the ones who know when I need a smile.  You know when I need a GNO.   You say just the right words when I most need them.  You offer a simple hug and the right times and make me laugh when I need it most. 

I never in a million years ever thought my life could be so full with so many amazing people.  I will never be able to thank you all enough.  I just hope you know how much you mean to me and my little family. 

To my Bubby, it is simple, I love you more than burritos! 
To my Ricki, you have been my rock through more than anyone, and no matter if it is good or bad I could not have asked for a better person to share my journey.  I am thankful that our parents brought you into this world!  We may not have always gotten a long growing up but thank goodness those days are behind us.

To my mom,  you are one of the strongest woman I know and the one who has taught me the most by your actions.  I know you hate to see us go through what we are but it isn't your fault and the fact that you listen is enough.  You have given us the opportunities of a lifetime and a family we never imagined!  Thank you, and thank you for all that you do for the twins - both sets of them.  I could not ask for more supporting parents and better grandparents.

So as the toddlers are snoozing in bed, I am missing the babies, that wonderful Memaw Donna took them home for a slumber party.  Really she was worried of us driving them out to her in the snow tomorrow.  I am sure glad Papaw Chris agreed to the overnight, the toddlers enjoyed mommy time!   What I was trying to say and am rambling on about is that I am realizing once again how blessed I am with so many amazing and wonderful family members in my life! 

It is the simple things in life that truly matter and make us happy and I am just one lucky gal!

Where in the world have 7 months gone?

As I sat here last night playing with the babies it dawned on me that it was the 24th of January, which means my babies are 7 months old!  I was knocked back and just cannot believe it.  7 months WOW! 

The are our angels and the very best babies, I know I say that all the time but I truly mean it.  Right now they are amazing us everyday by growing and learning so much.  They can both sit up - Mallory sits up unassisted quite well, Cale can sit but needs a little assistance.  Mallory is a chatty little gal, she loves to say "dada" I still think that her daddy pays her every time she says it but it is cute.  Cale definitely found his voice in the last couple of days, especially since our little date on Saturday, the one on one time allowed him to find and hear his voice, as well as show off for everyone we saw at the stores and the mall!

They bring so much joy and love to our lives  I smile everyday as I watch Caden and Maggie show Mallory and Cale how much they love them.  The do get a bit annoyed with them at times and as Cale and Mallory become more mobile I am sure we have many more adjustments and learning's for the toddlers but it is all just absolutely awesome to witness and i am so proud to say they are my children.  I am just thinking about all of the bonding the 4 of them will have throughout their lives.  Not only do they get to experience having a twin but they get another brother and sister to share their lives with, I cannot think of anything better that I would have wanted to give them.

Everyday I see my children and I am reminded of how blessed Matthew and I are, to think that not many years ago we were not even sure if we could have children and now, there is just so much fun and love.  Sure it isn't all easy but the fun and loving times definitely out weigh the hard times.

So as my babies have turned 7 months I sit here and just smile. 

I still cannot believe that 7 whole months of their lives have gone by so quickly! 

My heart is full, my house is full and I could not be happier. 



Miss Mallory showing off that she can sit up!

 

Mr. Cale always smiling!



Why does being an adult have to be so hard sometimes?

There are very few times in my life where I have thought that being an adult is too hard and I want to go back to being a child.  The one instance when I almost always hate being the adult is when I am supposed to be the child of the relationship but due to other factors I have to step up and be the parent to my parent. 

This is probably the hardest blog I have written to date and most likely will be the hardest one ever.  However, I need to write it as the feelings I have are overwhelming me and I don't know what the right thing is to do but I know what I NEED to do for my family so it is what I will continue to do.

My dad, is heading to prison, all because alcohol took over his life.  It has been a long and ugly road but the truth is that come Monday he will be sentenced to prison for 3 or more years - which means he will serve at least 1.5 years.  Whew I said it out loud - well writing it is just as powerful. 

Alcohol hasn't always controlled his life but you can only hide and fight it for so long before it takes over.  It will eventually control your life and everything you do.  It creates a fake world where you believe what you want, you think that nothing is your fault, you don't realize you are hurting the ones who love you and want to help you.  It just plain sucks!  It isn't that I haven't tried to help him or that many, many others have not tried to help him.  We have been working with my dad on getting and staying sober for over 5 years and there came a point that I had to just walk away.  I had to walk away from  him and his alcoholism for my kids, so that they do not go up around an alcoholic who doesn't know reality from fiction.  Some may think I took the easy way out but it has never been an easy thing.  I constantly think, what if I would have done more, what if I wouldn't have moved out of the house when I did, what if, what if, what if.   There are so many things running through my mind that I had to make it stop because my family - the 5 of them - they need me, they need me to be here physically and mentally every day.   Do I feel horrible that they don't know him, sure but there is absolutely no reason for them to know him as he is today, it isn't my dad who is living that life.

My dad was always there for us when we were growing up.  He never missed an event, I think I can count 2 sporting events in all of high school that he did not attend.  He went to Europe with me in high school, I really wanted my mom to go but she thought it would do my dad and I good to do some bonding.  There are happy memories for when I was little, many vacations and good times.  However, for as long as I can remember alcohol was a part of his everyday life.  Eventually, it takes control.

The man who raised me left a long time ago, unfortunately my children will not know who their real grandpa is, it is my choice, a hard one but one I believe in.  My children have amazing grandparents in their lives, they have Aunts and Uncles who are so close to them they call them Papaw and Memaw.  They have so many amazing people who love them, they don't need the pain and hurt that comes from an alcoholic. 

One day I will have to answer the question of who is my dad, and I will tell them the happy parts.  There will be a day when I have to explain why they don't see their Grandpa Jerry but only when they are old enough to understand.  I will tell them the story because I don't want them to have to go through the things that I have gone through. 

I love my dad, the dad who was a big part of my life prior to 8 years ago, that is how long it has been at it's worst.  Have I done everything I could to help him, probably not, but I did what I could and I made the decisions I needed to make.  I never asked to be the parent in my relationship with my dad, I am supposed to be the child and as the parent to my children I will do what I think is best for my family of 6.

I pray for my dad all the time, I wish that things could be different but they won't be.  I only hope that he makes it through everything and maybe, just maybe he will be sober when he gets done with his sentence.  If he is then maybe we can start over with his role as a grandpa.  I mostly pray that no one else has to feel the way I do and always wonder, what if....

the People I miss dearly...

Side note; I started writing this entry about 2 weeks ago and it has taken me a lot of thought and time to get through it.  I have some many people who have touched my life and who I miss everyday.  I miss them more at the holidays for sure but think of them almost daily.  So even though it is dated I thought it needed to be posted...

As the holidays and cream cheese season come to a close, I think of all of the loved ones who were not physically here to share in the joys, laughter and fun. 

I miss them all who have left too soon, I truly do but there are a few who have been on my mind a lot during the holidays. 

My cousin Gina: every Christmas we would plot how we could spend some more time together, where we going to stay at her house or at mine, what would our moms say?  I think they always knew we would ask to stay together and never really cared if we left home for a few days.  She and I were close as kids, Grandma Horstman would call us by each others name when we were together, she would fling her head gear across the room in the middle of the night scaring me half to death when I stayed with her.  We took the best and longest bike rides around Plainfield, we played for numerous hours in the parking lot of the church across the street.  We had some great times.  I remember when she had Jacob, visiting with her and helping with that sweet little boy.  He is growing to such an amazing young man.  I remember our last photo together, at my wedding, it is one I will forever cherish. 
I miss my GeeGee - she was a gal full of life, she had her challenges but she was my friend and an older sister to me.  She would be proud of Jacob. 

My Grandma Horstman: she always made sure we had the best family gatherings, with the best meals and the most yummiest of deserts.  She was always up for a visit with whoever wanted to stop by.  She would offer you a drink and a snack.  When we were younger and stayed with her it was Gin Rummy and puzzles to keep us busy as well as listening to the Reds games on the radio.  Most of all she kept the family together during the holidays which has driven us to continue to do so now.  I am proud that my parents have stepped up to the traditions and allow the chaos of love to continue in the Horstman home!

The nuns: Grandma's sisters, they came every holiday usually with Sister Suzanna, and they always loved to sit, visit and listen what you had been up to.  They taught me many things, my favorite is the tree afghans, and they had lots of stories about growing up with Grandma.  I remember when Paulita came back from her missions in New Guinea and she asked Grandma what an electric knife was when she was helping her one Thanksgiving.  The things she missed while she was out changing the world are the ones we took for granted.  They were the most loving people, always curious on what you were up to and where you were going in life.  I miss them, I miss visiting them at the convent.  I miss their crafts and calendars that they always made.  I miss their Christmas letter with the update on how the Reds did that season.  They did an amazing job that many won't do and were amazing ladies who loved life.

Granny Cool: she loved the Christmas holidays and LOVED shopping for everyone.  I wouldn't do it right if I tried to tell you how many presents she bought and wrapped.  She started shopping the day after Christmas each year.  She always coordinated her shoes and purse with her outfit and was decked to a T at every event.  I am very glad that she was able to meet Caden and Maggie, but still sad that she didn't see Mallory and Cale.  She instilled in the toddler twins a love for Christmas, Maggie still asks if Christmas is over and why and Caden each morning asks if we can listen to Jingle Bells on the way to school.  Of course we listen to it, honestly I won't care if we are still listening to that song in July!  She always brought an angel food cake and Maggie has developed a love for them!  Thank goodness Memaw Donna makes a great angel food cake. 

Those aren't the only ones I miss just the ones on my mind right now, I love of our family and friends who are no longer with us and miss them dearly.  I know that there are some amazing angels watching over my family and I and living with us each day. 

Thank you all for the impression you have left on my life and for watching over us!

You all are not forgotten ever!

Really, I am going to have my hands full!

Miss Maggie is definitely going to give her momma a run for her money over the next 18 years of her life!

It really came to light the other night when after her haircut Miss Cherie put in TWO french braids and once again made my little girl look way to old and grown up!  I swear every time we go to visit her she does something beautiful to Maggie's hair that then takes away those little girl looks and transform her into a little lady.

 So of course we couldn't take out her braids for bedtime, I had no hope of them staying with how thin her hair is so I prepared myself for an morning earlier than normal to do the repair.  I am pretty proud of myself as I haven't done a french braid in years and yet I was able to tackle her hair and replace the beautiful braids with ones that would get her through the day.  She wasn't too happy about me taking her picture though!

While I didn't do quite as good as Miss Cherie, I will keep practicing, as I now think these will be requested over her normal Abby.  An Abby is a ponytail, you know just like Abby Cadabby on Sesame Street, which is how I got her to keep a ponytail in her hair when we first started wearing them.
I also know that we are going to have to get up even earlier if braids are on the agenda because it took a bit longer than an Abby. 

Oh boy - high maintenance child - I am in for a world of early morning primping and arguments of how her hair must be perfect for school! 

I love it and hate it, I love hat she enjoys getting her hair done and will sit still for it

but it makes me sad to see her looking so grown up with just a change of her hair.

Thank you Miss Cherie, but let's keep her a little girl a while longer. 

Mommy isn't ready for her to grow up!

Hello Exhaustion!

In case I haven't told you lately you are not my friend, I have not invited you into my life and you can go away at any point now! 
It may only be 8:00 in the evening but I cannot even keep my eyes open - but I have to - the kiddos need me.

Maybe it is the long hours at work, going 1000 miles a minute from the moment I walk in the door until I walk out.  Maybe it is the fact that 10 loads of laundry have been washed - 8 other loads have been folded and put away - that some how leaves me about 4 loads to yet fold and put away.  Maybe it is that I am trying to make up from being away from my kids last week.  Maybe it is the fact that I average getting up at least 3 times in the middle of the night.  Maybe it is because I am moving so fast during the day my mind doesn't ever rest even during sleep.  Maybe it is just that I have 4 kids you know?  Whatever it is that is causing my exhaustion it may go away at any point now. 

I do know that I have the kids settled down, watching Toy Story for the millionth time, and I am just praying that we are all asleep within 45 minutes.  This mom who LOVES Grey's Anatomy won't even be able to stay awake to see 5 minutes of my favorite show.  Thank goodness for DVR!  The best friend of a mom! 

On a notable moment Miss Mallory is sitting up unassisted now!  I can't believe it - photos to come tomorrow!

To my body, I am listening, it is time to rest, I know I why I am feeling like crap!  Ever since I can remember my body has a very strong way of telling me to SLOW DOWN and rest!  I know I may not always listen but I am listening now and it is going to be an early night!

So here is to a very restful night and hopefully only having to wake up 2 times during the night!

HAPPY FRIDAY!  Oh how I have been waiting for you!

Really, is it only Wednesday?

Because it feels like it should be Friday!  It has been one VERY busy week.  Not only at work but at home as well. 
I already have in 10 loads of laundry since Monday and have at least 3 more to go - not to mention getting all of those clothes put away.  There are still Christmas presents to put away and clutter to clean up!  That never changes but for some reason there feels like there is more than ever.  Bathes have been done twice this week for each kid and we actually fit in a family dinner of the 6 of us!

We have started our days early and they had ended late. I know had I done more work on Sunday I would have had less to do this week but I would not give back the past weekend for the world.  Not to mention I know how much Cado needs his momma right now.  He missed me last week and I am working hard to spend lots of time with the kids to make up for being gone for a week. 

So come on Friday!  I am ready to play with trains and watch movies, I have very few To Do's that HAVE to be done this weekend but many want to do's with the #1 being - spend more time with my family!
Here is to a fast and happy Thursday and a wonderful Friday!

This time I broke his heart....

As I sat with Caden last night at bedtime we were talking about how our days went and if he had fun at school or not.  If you have never asked a 3 year old about their day I high recommend it as you never know what you may get.   However, this conversation hurt and I know I broke his little heart.

Caden said he had a good day at school.  There have been lots of exciting changes in the last two weeks at daycare.  They are now in the 3 year old class, which means they are downstairs and have 3 new rooms to explore.  They are learning lots and making lots of new friends and rejoining some friends who had moved on before them. 

However, as our discussion went on I told him that it was time for him to go to sleep as he had to go to school tomorrow.  Well that prompted a conversation that we have more often than I would like and which is never easy.  Caden says to me, "well I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I just want to stay home with you"  I tried to explain to him that Mommy and Daddy have to go to work so he has to go to school, but that I know he has fun at school and we will have lots of fun when we are together all day on Saturday and Sunday (we are really working on our days of the week and tyring to realize when the actual days happen, they know them all just not what day it really is and what day comes next.) 
He just did not want to accept going to school last night, he said, "well we can stay home tomorrow it is Tuesday and we can play trains and watch movies"  His little face showing so much disappointment was enough to tell me that this time Mommy broke his heart. And while this was a wonderful plan that he had and one I would much rather be doing the reality is Mommy had to go to work today.  We didn't get to stay home together and play and watch movies.  

I do hate the fact that I could not stay home with him today. 

I broke his heart and at the same time broke my own heart. 

Had it been another day I probably would have blown off work and just stayed home with my toddlers but there were obligations at work that needed to be fulfilled. 

But I can guarantee you that very soon I will keep those toddlers home, forget the 20 loads of laundry that need to be done, the dishes that need to be washed and we will play and watch movies!  

My little man needs that day as much as I do!

A perfect weekend!

After a long week of traveling, working hard and missing  my family I had the perfect weekend!  This is the photo that kept me going last week while I was away.

He is sleeping but smiling sweetly!

 I picked up the toddlers about 4:00 on Friday and I was ready to headed home.  I wasn't shocked that when I walked into daycare they didn't really notice me or want to leave, they have transitioned to the 3 year old room and are truly enjoying their new friends.  However, when we got home the cuddles and catching up were on!  we put on a movie, changed into comfy clothes and waited for daddy and the babies to get home.  It was great to ask them what they had done all week and get responses.  They said they are enjoying their new classroom and that they had fun at dance with Memaw on Thursday.  Of course I asked if they missed me and I still don't know what the answer was because we were busy playing.
Then daddy and the babies came home, my oh my how infants can change in a week!  I swear they have doubled in size.  But they didn't fail me - they both has smiles when I went to greet them and their version of hugs too!  We snuggled and laughed and showed mommy new tricks. 

It was great to have my family together, just the 6 of us, hunkered down for a lazy Friday night with pizza and movies and no where to go!

Saturday was wonderful as we had a few family and friends over for football.  I love gatherings that allow us to be together for a bit and chat, catch up and make some plans!  The kids and I had a great morning together, got the house picked up a bit and sent daddy to run the errands while we did puzzles and played with Toy Story and dress up.  Mallory had so much fun with mommy that she fell asleep while finishing her lunch!



All tuckered out! Being a big girl is hard work!



Sunday was probably my favorite - jammie day!  No where to be but with our family and snuggled in for football, puzzles, movies and naps.  It was a wonderful day together, a great day to reconnect with my family and a restful one to gear up for yet another busy week.  Caden started his week by sleeping for 14 hours!  Guess his time with the cousins on Saturday wore him out! 

It was just a wonderful and simple weekend - I came home about 4:00 on Friday evening and never walked outside of my house until 6:00 this morning!  I LOVED IT!  Quality time with my family and never leaving the house. 

Here's to another week in our lives and here's to a GREAT weekend of memories!

Only two more days....

Until I get to see those smiling faces.  I am traveling this week for work, it is a project that is exercising my brain and we are doing some very important work but I miss my family.  

I am so thankful that my husband is supportive and crazy enough to say go ahead and leave for an ENTIRE week.  I know how hard it is to manage 4 kids every morning and evening by yourself but I am also sure that he is doing a great job.  As far as I know they have all been bathed and fed and have gotten to where they need to be each morning so I know they are all doing okay.  That still doesn't take away the fact that I miss them all and cannot wait to see them. 

I did get a phone call last night from Caden, he didn't chat much but at least I heard his voice.  Maggie is a usually up for a few good words on the phone but you can hardly here hear as she thinks she has to whisper when she is on the phone.  The babies, well they can't quite hold a conversation on the phone but thank goodness for photos that daddy has sent me over the phone.  No matter what those moments brought a smile to my face and reassured me that they haven't grown too much while I have been gone.

The work we are doing takes time, which is why I am here for a week.  We are working long hours. It is much needed and it is stretching my brain and skills. I hope that my input is value added and making a difference for our company.  But it doesn't change the fact that I can't wait to see all of those smiling faces when I walk into the door on Friday.

So if you are home with your family, give them an extra hug today since I can't give any to mine. 

And Matthew, THANK YOU, thank you for taking care of our children and thank you for your support of my career. 

I love you more than burritos!