Our Infertility Journey

I am not shy about how we were blessed with 4 amazing kids - I tell everyone that asks that our babies are IVF babies - but if you met me back in 2004 I would have never told you that we were even seeing a fertility specialist.  I felt so ashamed and lost because we could not have children on our "own" and it did not help that everyone around me was getting pregnant by just looking at their husbands (do you sense the childless woman's jealousy at this point).   On our 5 year journey I learned that we were in fact not alone and we were actually like a majority of the families in America, it was just not something that most people want to share.  I share this in hopes of helping someone else who may be in the same place we were and for my children to one day know the real story of our journey.  It is not to say I did it and I am amazing, I am a person who was lucky and I know that unfortunately there are many who are not.  I pray for all who are going through this and who have.  It takes a lot of courage to share this journey but we are not alone.

Here is our journey for Infertility Awareness week:

Matt and I were married in 2002 and thought let's not start a family right away because we have a lot we wanted to do and places to visit.  We have things "planned" and did not think throwing children into the mix was the right thing to do.  So when we finally started to try for kid early 2004 and were not successful it was the hardest and most stressful times of our lives.  The waiting each month to see if the dreaded monthly visitor would show or not.  The excitement when the arrival changed by even one day then the disappointment when the test was negative and here she came.  So much emotion and stress.  Not to mention the fact that EVERYONE kept asking when we were going to start a family - come on already do you not know we are TRYING - I am counting days, taking temperatures and doing everything I think I should be doing to make this happen.  Our time together became a chore - not time to be together - having a child weighed on every thought and minute of my life.  We have a four bedroom house just waiting for little people.  It would not be done on our own so we went to see a specialist someone recommended.

That doctor trip - I will not name said doctor - was horrible and so disappointing.  I, rather we, were just a number, not people who wanted nothing more than one child - and really a boy to carry on teh McCool name - but one healthy child.  We stayed at the appointment, I talked myself into that fact that it did not feel right was okay as long as the end result was a baby. I thought we can do this, it is just a short time in our lives to feel uncomfortable and it will be worth it.  So the time to start treatment came, it was July 4th and we were having a family gathering.  I ran in to tell Matt that I need to call and get started, he hesitated and said may be this is not the right time and that it was not a good day because we had so much to do to get ready for everyone coming over.  I cried, I did not want to hear those words, were we not in this together?  Did we not want the same thing?  How could he say that?  Well my sulking did not last long as our first guest showed up and I had to host.  I put on my happy face and went about with our picnic.  It was a great day but in the back of my mind I knew that things were just not where we need them to be to move forward with our desire to have children.  I even believe, if my memory is correct, a dear friend shared her exciting news that she was expecting that day, good thing I could have a drink!  I was honestly so excited and happy for her but boy did it hurt once again that someone else would experience the joy I so wanted, we so wanted.

Our weekend came and went, we never really talked much about it, I started to think that we could be okay without kids in our lives.  After all there were lots of babies around and little cousins to love.  And that is what we did.  We took care of the boys, helped out at anytime and went about living as the family of two and had a ball.

It was 2006, the BIG 3-0 was looming for me and once again my momma instincts were kicking.  I had been talking to a friend about the trials they had been through and asking questions about her doctor.  She mentioned she was switching doctors and that suggested that maybe I give the Institute for Reproductive Health a try.  I sat on it for a bit, I never said anything to Matthew.  Then one day I called to see what we would need to do and the rest is history - okay there is A LOT more but that one conversation and that one phone call led us to a MUCH better place and to what was meant to be for our family of six!

We saw Dr. Scheiber in December of 2006 and it was so vastly different than the other doctor we saw that I could not believe it.  He actually talked to us as people and asked us about our goals.  How much did we want to do to try to have kids?  Did we know that multiples are a possibility?  What kind of insurance do you have?  How long have you been at this?  What is your family and medical history?  So many questions to get to know us personally in an hour.  I could not believe it.  He wanted our input in how we went about having a child, wasn't he supposed to tell us the plan?  Or at least that is what I thought based on our past visit to the other doctor.

Our hour was coming to a close, we were going to do some tests on me and set a follow up appointment for Matt.  Dr. Scheiber said to me, it sounds like you really want a child, our reply was yes we do.  He said it was me and my money I would go straight to IVF.  He said with everything I have heard and seen I truly believe that is my best chance to be successful at making you parents.  I cried, I could not believe that he thought of it in terms of success and not just money.  I had no idea how personal this became for the entire staff there.  I was so relieved to not be another number.

We started January fresh.  A new year, a new baby plan and I truly felt like we were part of the IRH family.  We did our education day, started my meds, did our retrieval (which is not pleasant at all but oh so worth it) and then our transfer.   It was a world wind couple of months - April 2006 forever changed our lives, transfer day came and went, we waited, I would not take a pregnancy test, I could not bear another negative then finally blood draw day.  Oh the nerves, I truly wanted to be pregnant, I thought maybe I was but I just wanted to know either way.  I went in that morning, had to go to work and finally about 2:30 had enough and left work.  I could not concentrate.  I headed home and on my way they called, I was pregnant, my numbers were great and I just needed one more test to make sure the numbers headed in the right direction.  I about wrecked but could not wait to tell Matt and our families.   It was joyous, we were lucky and blessed our first try worked.

Again, I share this because this journey was such a roller coaster for us.  Emotionally and physically.  People did not talk about the inability to get pregnant, at least not many I knew though I do have friends who had been down this path.  We are very fortunate it worked for us (twice), it does not work for all and it breaks my heart for them.    I still to this day absolutely love everyone at IRH and Dr. Scheiber for what they did for us and how they made us feel.  We were lucky, we are not normal in that our transfers took on the first time both times and we got twins.  I realize everyday when I talk to others who are struggling how blessed we are I do and I get it, I can relate to how they feel on this journey that seems so lonely.  I can promise you I no longer ask a couple, "So when you going to have kids?" I know the pain that comes with the question and the unanswered feelings of hurt when they cannot have children.  I encourage others to never ask the question either. There are so many other great questions to ask newlyweds.

So IVF families please keep sharing and supporting each other.  We all need the support on what feels like a lonely journey to no where at times.  Stay positive and as I believe whatever is meant to be will be.

One of my favorite photos of my kiddos. 2.5 yrs old and 3 weeks

The crazy clan summer of 2014  this shows their personalities so well!