One year later....

October 4, 2013 the day I received a call that changed so much and left so many ends undone.  So many "what ifs" to be answered and so many emotions raw.  One year later and I can say it has been a year of healing, taking care of things and realizing that my decisions were right for my family and that no matter what I love my dad and he loved me.

It has been a roller coaster year, I have learned so much about making sure things are in order for your family and truly have embraced each out reach from his friends to hear the stories of dad.  I learned what it takes to keep going for your kids and to when it is time for a timeout for myself. 

I ran a half marathon during which he and grandma were heavy on my mind because it was Disney and they had taken us there as kids, as I ran through the back lots where they kept the floats I thought how much he would have loved to see this as he got a kick out of the parades.  I start talking to any stranger and feel my dad guiding me because he never met a person he didn't know.  I stopped by the car lot when I could have made a phone call just because he used to.  I am excited we are keeping his car and will keep his treasure going, for now anyways.  As I sit and watch my kids play sports I realize how much time my parents took to be there for me and to cheer us on.  I am grateful they were there and I hope my kids are one day too. 

I am no longer wishing for that last conversation to make things better, I am at peace and have prayed for a sign that dad and I are okay, I have received them.  I no longer say, "I wish things could have been different" because this is the story that has been written for us and I know it hurts but it is part of who I am and what I was supposed to learn.  I know that one day I will get another hug from my dad and I am grateful that he is healthy and happy now. 

Our family has been through a lot in a year, three times we lost someone in our little family.  My dad, my grandma and my aunt.  We are stronger because of it and I truly hate that this is how we have seen each other so much I am grateful I have them in our lives. 

Since the day of dad's visitation I have been wearing the bracelet he gave me when I graduated college.  I have only taken it off a handful of times and mostly to keep from ruining it.  I feel strong with it on and don't know when I will take it off if ever.  He was so excited to get this for me and I hadn't worn it in so long.  I look at it many times during the day and know that my dad is watching. 

Erica took this photo right before she found out about dad - a beautiful rainbow - double rainbow - which we now find as a sign from Rainbow!

This is what greeted my family and I as we arrived in Florida for fall break - the biggest and brightest rainbow I had ever seen - one year to the day.  This rainbow went across the entire sky and we could see it all.  I immediately cried when I told my sister. 

 

We finally got dad resting right and I was so happy to hear from a friend that she saw it while visiting the cemetery, she said it jumped right out at her.  I have been there many times and the kids and I often stop by to see Grandpa Jerry on the way home from school.  They still ask many questions when we pass the funeral home. 

So one year later, I feel peace.  I miss him and still want to talk to him but it would be a different conversation than I thought I would have with him just a few months ago.  It is truly amazing how prayer can heal and help. 

Big Jer I hope you are riding happily in your racecar and enjoying your life.  I love you and miss you, until I see you again hugs from us.