A new chapter has begun as my dad began his prison sentence yesterday. I knew this day was coming, I thought I was prepared but how do you ever really prepare yourself for someone going away for 1.5 years? I held it together while I talked to my grandma but right after I got off the phone a wave of emotion washed over me and I am still struggling to pull it together today.
So many feelings came at me: relief, guilt, regret, hopefulness, and worry to name a few.
Relief, because I know he cannot hurt anyone else by drinking and driving.
Guilt, I didn't get to talk to him prior to him going into prison which leads to,
Regret, that I didn't talk to him, I didn't see him, I didn't try harder, so many things that I know I wouldn't change but maybe just maybe I should have
Hopefulness, that during the 1.5 years he is required to serve he will get some counseling and help for his issues. That maybe we can have a relationship once he is out and that my children will get to know him
Worry, a whole new world of worry, can he handle this, how is he adjusting and will he make it through?
After all he is still my dad and I still love him through everything he has done.
So many emotions have come over me that I just needed a download yesterday afternoon so that is what I did. I took a couple of hours for myself and did what I needed to do.
I was better this morning and reassured that I have done the right things for my family. Little moments to remind me like this morning, as the toddlers and I headed to school listening to Jingle Bell Rock singing and laughing (yes we are still listening to Christmas music, I love it and know Granny Cool would too). I knew that I have done the right thing by protecting them but I am still a little hopeful that things can change.
What all of this tells me is that no matter how hard you try you cannot change someone until they are ready or are forced to change. I would have never gotten through the last 5.5 years if it wasn't for my Aunt Janice. She has been there on this ride for good or bad and in every moment of the journey. Through the first days of dropping him off at rehab to picking up the pieces the last couple of months. She is an amazing person who I am very grateful to for all she has done and taken on during this journey. I am grateful my baby sister was there to talk me through this as well as my mom and Matthew. You all were great and I love you.
I may not be through this emotional ride yet but I will get there. There are 4 great reasons at home to get there!
To my dad, I am praying for you and hoping that things will get better for us all.
I still love you and hope that the end of this chapter has a happy one.
No comments:
Post a Comment