Why does being an adult have to be so hard sometimes?

There are very few times in my life where I have thought that being an adult is too hard and I want to go back to being a child.  The one instance when I almost always hate being the adult is when I am supposed to be the child of the relationship but due to other factors I have to step up and be the parent to my parent. 

This is probably the hardest blog I have written to date and most likely will be the hardest one ever.  However, I need to write it as the feelings I have are overwhelming me and I don't know what the right thing is to do but I know what I NEED to do for my family so it is what I will continue to do.

My dad, is heading to prison, all because alcohol took over his life.  It has been a long and ugly road but the truth is that come Monday he will be sentenced to prison for 3 or more years - which means he will serve at least 1.5 years.  Whew I said it out loud - well writing it is just as powerful. 

Alcohol hasn't always controlled his life but you can only hide and fight it for so long before it takes over.  It will eventually control your life and everything you do.  It creates a fake world where you believe what you want, you think that nothing is your fault, you don't realize you are hurting the ones who love you and want to help you.  It just plain sucks!  It isn't that I haven't tried to help him or that many, many others have not tried to help him.  We have been working with my dad on getting and staying sober for over 5 years and there came a point that I had to just walk away.  I had to walk away from  him and his alcoholism for my kids, so that they do not go up around an alcoholic who doesn't know reality from fiction.  Some may think I took the easy way out but it has never been an easy thing.  I constantly think, what if I would have done more, what if I wouldn't have moved out of the house when I did, what if, what if, what if.   There are so many things running through my mind that I had to make it stop because my family - the 5 of them - they need me, they need me to be here physically and mentally every day.   Do I feel horrible that they don't know him, sure but there is absolutely no reason for them to know him as he is today, it isn't my dad who is living that life.

My dad was always there for us when we were growing up.  He never missed an event, I think I can count 2 sporting events in all of high school that he did not attend.  He went to Europe with me in high school, I really wanted my mom to go but she thought it would do my dad and I good to do some bonding.  There are happy memories for when I was little, many vacations and good times.  However, for as long as I can remember alcohol was a part of his everyday life.  Eventually, it takes control.

The man who raised me left a long time ago, unfortunately my children will not know who their real grandpa is, it is my choice, a hard one but one I believe in.  My children have amazing grandparents in their lives, they have Aunts and Uncles who are so close to them they call them Papaw and Memaw.  They have so many amazing people who love them, they don't need the pain and hurt that comes from an alcoholic. 

One day I will have to answer the question of who is my dad, and I will tell them the happy parts.  There will be a day when I have to explain why they don't see their Grandpa Jerry but only when they are old enough to understand.  I will tell them the story because I don't want them to have to go through the things that I have gone through. 

I love my dad, the dad who was a big part of my life prior to 8 years ago, that is how long it has been at it's worst.  Have I done everything I could to help him, probably not, but I did what I could and I made the decisions I needed to make.  I never asked to be the parent in my relationship with my dad, I am supposed to be the child and as the parent to my children I will do what I think is best for my family of 6.

I pray for my dad all the time, I wish that things could be different but they won't be.  I only hope that he makes it through everything and maybe, just maybe he will be sober when he gets done with his sentence.  If he is then maybe we can start over with his role as a grandpa.  I mostly pray that no one else has to feel the way I do and always wonder, what if....