It is just a rough Tuesday

For some reason today is hard and there have been many tears.  Work itself is good but my mommy brain is having a hard and full of guilt day.  I have been back to work now going on 3 weeks and I am realizing many things in my life but mainly that my babies are all growing up and I am not there to see them all the time.  I think this return to work is harder because I know that Cale and Mallory are my last babies.  Or maybe it is because I think Caden and Maggie are acting even older than their real age now that they babies are here.  Maybe it is because Maddox has started walking and I hate that I haven't seen it in person yet.  who knows...

Whatever it is that is causing my feeling today makes me know I miss seeing my babies all day long.  I love my job and the people I work with but no one can replace my kids.  I know my kids are well taken care of each day but still I miss my kids and their growing up.

Their smiles and laughs are a fabulous thing to run home to, but when I get there the chores are still there too.  No one has done them during the day (I should really fire that fairy who is supposed to be doing them all).  I have let as much as possible around the house go but at the point of no more clean bottles someone has to do dishes even if it is 10:30 at night.  Running errands has become a chore bigger than I can imagine, it feels like we always need something. 

Then while at lunch a friend was telling me about a horrible car accident involving a family of 3 where the father passed away immediately and the mother and 2 year old are still in the hospital with major injuries.  This just made me think, I really miss my family but I sure do cherish our times together.  I know I need to keep working, it is part of who I am and I love the accomplishment of a job well done but for a few weeks I just want to put on the brakes and make sure my kids don't grow anymore.  This morning on the way to daycare Caden told me he wasn't going to get bigger, little does he know I sure wish that was true.  I am sure we will have great times as they do grow but for the day let's freeze the world.

I know I am off, this blog has been hard to write and to get the feelings out.  I have made changes and adjustments a million times.  But I also know that tomorrow will come, we will have a great time as a family, and my kids will get bigger but will still bring a smile to my face and love to my heart!